Skip to content

The script

The Lonely Kazoo
A synthetic journey to heaven


SCENE 1
At a gathering of humans. A great party is in swing with much music and dancing. Its outside, perhaps with some picnic tables and a fiddlin’ band or something. There are people of all ages. Children are laughing. But the sound is muffled, as though you were inside a plastic bag on a table.

NARRATOR
Come one come all and gather round
Hear my tale of the lost and found
In which a kazoo marches to the gyre
Where all plastic goods do retire

PARTIER
Hey! Who wants a kazoo? (much cheering)

The plastic bag holding the kazoo value pack, which has been housing our unfortunate hero and his valu-pak family, is torn open. The sound becomes loud, vibrant. People begin playing kazoos to the music. Much fun and dancing are had. The song takes form.


Valu Pak Fun (the happiest song ever):

NARRATOR
Gather round y’all be careful what you do
And listen to the story of the Lonesome Little Kazoo
Open up the valu pak, spread it all around
Here’s a little lesson how to make that joyful sound

LKZ
Now put your lips around me
Us Kazoos, we sure don’t bite
Hum a little ditty
A little louder – ah that’s right.
Here’s the beat, just clap your hands
Stomp and shout and groove
There’ll always be a party
As long as you’ve got a kazoo

NARRATOR
Grab your partner, everyone

Gather round and hear this song
It’s about a poor ol’ lonely kazoo
One day when he’s forgotten

And all his friends are dead and rotten
And he’ll still be finding his own way
LKZ
This Party’s great
let’s all sing and clap our hands
We’ll never let the good times end
I hope you’re all having as much fun as I am

And everybody’s making life long friends

NARRATOR
Now that this party’s over there’s a can right by the door

Just drop that piece of plastic, you don’t need him anymore
sweep up the confetti and tidy up the room
When you’ve had your fill of parties no one loves the little kazoo

LKZ

Just wait one second…
Hey, Where’s everybody going?

Won’t you take me home with you please?

Hold on guys… I thought we were…
Hey wait a minute

sound of slamming car door. The sound of Joyful party goers fades into the distance.



SCENE 2
Car horns. Rain. People walk by, their feet splashing in puddles. The sounds of the city. The kazoo (LKZ) has been tossed out a car window and is now in a gutter, confused and scared. LKZ misses his family and misses the party. As people walk close, LKZ tries to get them to pick him up and play him. But it dawns on him that even though he still functions fine, no one wants to put him in their mouths anymore. He is wet and dirty. He contemplates the conundrum of function, permanence and one-time-use. The NARRATOR begins to sing.

The Gutter

What’s our kazoo
in the big scary city?
Tossed from the window of a car
now unwanted and cold

It’s hard for a lonely kazoo
to sing the blues
no one will hum inside him
now that he’s dirty and used

He gives his best hum
as the wind blows him along the gutter
kids are scolded for touching him
and a confused man looks and mutters

It’s hard for a lonely kazoo
to sing the blues
no one will hum inside him
now that he’s dirty and used

What is this material I am made of?
I’m just a long chain of carbons
there are no microbes to eat me
I will live here forever
and no one will ever hold me
I won’t feel the warmth of their breath
the sweet sound of billowing brightly
the tender tone of intention
caressing deeply inside me
I’m made of plastic, and I’m no longer wanted here.


LKZ is swept up by a street cleaner with one of those recepticle-on-a-pole things and dumped into a trash bag.

SCENE 3

The trash bag is thrown on the ground next to an over-flowing Dumpster in a city alley. The bag splits open during the fall and the kazoo spills out, along with some other refuse. The alley is full of trash that did not fit in the Dumpster, some of which has been there for a long time, becoming wise. LKZ, still sad, tries to find a place to curl up in his new home. But, as the wiser refuse knows, this is not a final resting place, but rather a layover. Large trucks come every week to take chunks of the unending and ever-changing trash community away to someplace else. Someplace permanent. The Dumpster itself, along with a ragtag group of pieces of trash in varying states of decomposition and deconstruction, begin to sing. Throughout the song, as LKZ learns more about the dump (and, perhaps more stirringly, the frightening, depressing pessimism of the other trash going with him), he decides he would rather take the risk of unknown escape than certain, permanent entombment in a dump.


The Dumpster:

Hey little Kazoo, you’re in the Dumpster now
Straight out of the gutter and into the trash
You thought you were lonely then, well just wait til you’re lonely now
Hey little kazoo, you’re on the top of the bottom

Hey little kazoo, they’ve got you where they don’t want you
You’re going to the dump and they’re gonna dump you from a bin
You’ll wait five thousand years and then you’ll wait five thousand more
Nobody loves you when they stick you in the ground

Tell him boys!

[Trash banter]

Big Mac: I was the greatest value on the menu. Look at me now!

Chia head: They tried to grow me, but I didn’t turn out right.

Hey Little Kazoo –

ALL: HOW DO YOU DO?

Hey little kazoo, I know the way around here
And I’ve got a secret that I’m itchin to tell
They say there’s a drain pipe goes straight to the river
The river, he’ll take you back to your factory

Now maybe you won’t make it, maybe you’ll get stuck
A big fish’ll eat you or you’ll get run over by a truck
But you take your chances, you make your choice
If you don’t want to die in this dumpster, I wish you good luck

LKZ jumps into the gutter and is rushed down the sewer.

SCENE 4

Like in a great American novel, LKZ, is rafting down a great river. Remember, a plastic kazoo is more comfortable with the unnatural oils and grime in a sewer than we might be. Our hero is also rejuvenated with a spirit of exploration, and excited by the risk and the chance to define himself for the first time in his … um … life(?).


The Drainpipe:

Flushed down a drainpipe
This beautiful drainpipe
And I just don’t care where it goes.

Feel like I’m rafting
Down a great river
And it’s taking me closer to home

The sludge and grime
I’m slipping
That petrol smell
I’m shaking
My voice-box reed is humming anew
I’m gonna be home soon

Can’t wait to make it to my factory home
Where the value packs are 2 for 1
We’ll sing and dance and hum our lives away

It’s cold outside but the water’s warm
It gurgles and churns while the maggots swarm
I’ve finally found the life of luxury

The sludge and grime
I’m slipping
That petrol smell
I’m shaking
My voice-box reed is humming anew
I’m gonna be home soon

(Kazoooooooo soloooooo)

I’m gonna be home soon!

The sewage pipe flows directly into a river in the woods, and LKZ makes himself comfortable on his raft, ready for a long journey. Night falls, and for the first time since our adventure began, our hero sleeps.

SCENE 5

LKZ wakes, pausing to remember how he got here, and why. He looks to the river bank and, holy balls! A factory stands tall right in front of him. This must be the plastic factory the Dumpster told him about. Home is found already. That journey wasn’t so hard. LKZ jumps off the raft and jets to the shore using his humming reed for steady, masterful propulsion. But as he stands on the shore, reality kicks in, and he is awed and sobered by the realization that home is a ghost town now (presumably moved overseas or something, since they are def. still making lots of plastic. The new place is probably bigger and more toxic, but that’s another opera). This homecoming is not as he had imagined it, and will only be but another piece in his new identity. He ponders his new reality, and his growing, yet more empowered, loneliness.


The Lonesome Plastic Factory:

There stands the proud and lonesome plastic factory
No more does it billow no more does it smoke
They say they’ve run out of oil
They’ve run out of effort and toil
Lonesome factory I still love you just the same

The sky was once filled with your blossoming smoke rings
And the Birdsong was drowned by your hammering gears
What a sight to behold
To look back on with pride when I’m old
Lonesome factory I still love you just the same

Now there’s a creek that will flow all the way to the ocean
And the meadow stretches as far as I can see
They’ve torn down the dams
Watched the flowers spring up through the sand
But Lonesome factory I still love you just the same

[solo]

There stands the proud and lonesome plastic factory
No more does it billow no more does it smoke
They say they’ve run out of oil
They’ve run out of effort and toil
Lonesome factory I still love you just the same

Oh Lonesome factory I still love you just the same

Our hero turns and walks away from the factory, towering behind him, a single, final puff of smoke rises to the sky like an inverted teardrop on the windowpane of his synthetic soul.

SCENE 6

LKZ doesn’t get far into his aimless journey before he realizes that it is going to suck balls. Stuck with the seemingly impossible task of defining himself in lieu of a home, family or useful purpose, he descends into a deep, dark world of nature, animals and other scary shit. He stumbles on a campfire site, abandoned long ago. A plastic bottle is disfigured and melted, buried in ash. It is a ghost of plastic once known. It is grotesque.


Scary Forest of Trees:

I’m in a forest of trees
Big scary trees
There’s so much life around me
Help me please

No florescent light
To wash out the night
I’m surrounded by birds and bees
That gnash and bite

I thought I was immortal once
Now I know I’m not

The fungus and moss
crawl along my plastic shell
They cling to me
They burn and sting

They hold me close
Almost morose
They’re a million molecular compounds
And I’m just three

I’m all alone, please let me be
I’m trying to make it to the sea

LKZ dives off a cliff at the end of the forest and lands in the waves below. He lets himself float out to the vast ocean, not caring what happens to him anymore. That’s up to the gods, now.

Out to Sea:

I’m going out to sea
I’m going out to see what I can find
Like a fish into the salty brine
But all the fish are dead,
so It’s just me
On an oil slick so pretty blue and green
Like a phosphorescent rainbow without a breeze
And I can’t breath
The water’s as thick as tar
I don’t know how much farther I can go

Home at Last (and you’re all choked up)

What’s that floatin’ in the deep blue sea?
It’s a hundred different colors and it looks like me
I’m home. Oh baby I’m home
I’m home at last and darlin’ you’re all choked up

Albatross soaring in the sky so clear
Looking for something to eat down here
But I’m home. Oh baby I’m home
I’m home at last and the albatross is all choked up

Not many fishes hangin’ around
Sea turtles all floating upside down
Little plastic rings wrapped around their throats
Tangled in the nets from the fishing boats

It’s not quite liquid and it’s not quite land
Just a big soupy mess, but it’s oh so grand
I’m home. Oh baby I’m home
I’m home at last and everybody’s all choked up

[solo]

Not many fishes hangin around
Sea turtles all floating upside down
Little plastic rings wrapped around their throats
Tangled in the nets from the fishing boats

It’s not quite liquid and it’s not quite land
Just a big soupy mess, but it’s oh so grand
I’m home. Oh baby I’m home
I’m home at last and everybody’s all choked up

fin.

No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: